yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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