Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
