She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
