hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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