grandma shit on top of the toilet
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
