my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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