Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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