Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
