So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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