i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
