No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
PANTIES FOUND
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
