apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
