My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
