just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
