You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
