I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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