dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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