He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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