I have demons in me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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