Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
