I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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