Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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