This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
