I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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