how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
