Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
