I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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