Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
