well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
