I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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