Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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