I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
