how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize