Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
