get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
