every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
