she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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