I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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