Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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