Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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