Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
