I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
