It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
