you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize