i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
