Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
