Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
