if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
