If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
