wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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