half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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