I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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