I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
