Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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