u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
