just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize