what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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