never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize