The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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