somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
