I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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