you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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