help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize