I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
