dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
