Have you finally orgasmed yet?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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