Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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