I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
