4 words: hood of his car
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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